A CEO in Bum’s Clothing

I have always been one to surprise the hell out of people. According to prophecy, haha from what I’m told, at 6 months of age I started talking, in full sentences. By 10 months I was walking. The weird part is that I never crawled, or tried, I just got up one day and [...]

The Wrath of Mommy Dearest Pales In Comparison

This is what happens when I get turned down for remedial b.s. jobs
I applied for a PART TIME retail sales position
The “accountabilities and requirements” for the position are as follows:
-Greeting all walk-in customers promptly and delivering “friendly and attentive service”
-Understanding your merchandise – the features, advantages and benefits
-Remaining current and knowledgeable on register systems
-Maintaining your [...]

Odds n Ends

It has been a slow day. No new interviews, so I must turn to my memory for creative fodder.
Annoying Things an Interviewer Can Do
Bob head up and down in response to EVERYTHING I say and repeat “mm, yes, uhuh, great, uh huh, mm yess, uhuh, oh yeaaaaa.”
“Soooooo um, (taps pencil), do you like, do you [...]

Tomorrow I’ll Be a Barrista

If I woke up this morning with a migraine, fell out of bed on my nose, and sliced my tongue open on a can of dog food, it would have been a better day. Instead, I went to the temp staffing office. BAD IDEA. A deaf mute without opposable thumbs could have done a better [...]

Statistics Don’t Lie, And They Don’t Help Either

Today I reminisce on my days as a stupid, infantile, easygoing, student. In school, especially elementary school, it was almost a baptismal right of passage for the brown nosing pupils to begin their essays with a “definition.” In keeping with tradition, and unable to part with my nostalgic feelings at the moment, let me commence [...]

Mundane Monday

Mondayyyy. The day when I see if my weekend resume firing-off has, well, paid off. Sweet succotash. I have an interview at a temp agency! There is a God. At this point I don’t care what kind of job I get. I should walk in there with a sign that says “just want scrilla” because [...]

WWT

Writing while tipsy: An experiment for the disastrously unemployed

I cannot sttabliieze my head…and obviously can’t spell. I didn’t even finish my frink (amaretto sour). It is father’s day and the kiddies have gone home, the few lingering family members are out back talking about me and my joblessness….here and trhere. Or something like that. Everytime [...]

I’m (just not) a Regular McCarthy

Although I am lucky enough not to hope for free toothpaste samples via mail, I am not beyond day-dreaming that in the not so distant future, I will be gainfully employed. Everyone who is hip to my situation thinks I have a perfect life. I live at home where I am monetarily and emotionally taken [...]

Femme Blaspheme

Oh, oh dear God. I think the apocalypse is coming. My mother, my flesh and blood, has turned on me today. If I wasn’t so woozy I’d scream until my throat hurt and tell her what a horrible and most blasphemous thing she just said. As I think back on the exact moment I experience [...]

Foolish Communication

Real communication from the idots who don’t give me jobs
Thank you so much for your application to the ******************
for the part-time editing position. I apologize for the delay in responding,
but we were overwhelmed by the response (more than 350 applications!,), and
the high quality of so many of the applicants. After much consideration we
hired a local, [...]