I have little conviction that these rants will further my ability to gain tenure at any employment facility, but i have to entertain myself somehow.
Post Graduation Task List:
Step One: if you’re going to be living at home post graduation (aka the end of your life) get a labotomy. it helps in the transition process from full freedom to LOCK-DOWN
Step Two: invest in some really good ear plugs, this way, you won’t be apt to run around the house doing everything your parents ask you to “honey, can you get….”
Step Three: sell all of your furniture leftover from your place and buy a car, any cheap car will do, as long as it belongs to YOU and you can take it wherever you please, (even if it is off a cliff)
Step Four: DONT eat everything put on the plate in front of you, this is dangerous. You might be a bit happy, not being used to actually having a meal every night; as living at home and having food cooked for you is pretty sweet. Let me tell you, it packs on the pounds quicker than a 40 of Mickeys.
Step Five: don’t go to the neighbor’s house for “cocktails” or to any parties with your parents. If you don’t have a job, this is what you do right?…Follow mommy and daddy around like a jobless loser with no money. WRONG. Even though you ARE a jobless loser, with no money, don’t act like it. Pretend like you’re too busy, like with your friends (who all moved away and got great jobs post grad) and stay home, eating left overs and watching Scarface, in your PJs.
After 6 months of unemployment
Do not attend “college parties” thrown by your friends. Even if they are still your friends, they’re still in college, you graduated, live at home with mommy and daddy, and don’t have a job, remember?
And then…..
You’re finally done traveling and are ready to buckle down and snag a job. Prepare to kiss ass, listen, listen, and listen.
If you graduated from a lesser known college and pursued a hearty course of study such as mass communications or “independent studies” aka “18th century post war themes portrayed in the video game zelda” then you should find little trouble nabbing a nice, safe, cubicle job.
If you are smart, can operate simple office tasks with marsupial like skill, and pose absolutely no threat to anyone working there already; congratulations, you might land the job.
If you try to under-sell yourself in order to get the position, they can tell. If you
studied anything challenging which requires “clarification” (like me, Political Economy…god what is that…could it be…a combination of Political Science and Economics? No WAYYYY) prepare yourself for the all to frequent “easy let down” speech. It starts during the interview, the final crescendo coming at the kiss off.
“You went to UC Berkeley? Wow. Are you sure you won’t get bored with this job?”
“After interviewing all the candidates we decided that while your credentials are in fact excellent, you are not the best fit for the job. We always intended on hiring from within, we just interviewed you so we wouldn’t get slapped with a lawsuit.”
It is ok to book it outta there when…
someone uses the F word or says “that is bullshit” in response to something you say in an interview. Get the hell out of their office. I don’t care how intelligent or qualified the interviewer is, never, is it appropriate to curse or be offensive.
If they offer you water
Say yes, but don’t get all pissy if all they have is calistoga and all you drink is evian or, excuse meee, Voss.
To answer or not to answer?
When you start getting random voicemails and they botch your name…
“Hi Lucy this is Craig McMarcus and I need you to call me at 555 555 5555. I need to discuss paperwork with you. Call that number and ask for me, Craig, ok?”
Chances are they are 1) a collection agency or 2) (not far off) Recruiters
When Amazon and E-Bay start to look really, really good.
After a few failed interviews (ok 40) you might start to feel hopeless about the prospects of your future. Don’t list all of your course books or your grandmother’s linen set on e-bay. And for the love of god, do not hold garage sales or sell lemonade on the corner. Just keep going. If you live at home and have parents who love you like crazy (thanks mom and dad) this is not a difficult feat. I look for jobs every day; and although I’m not blessed enough to have landed one yet, not a day goes by when I don’t try or thank my lucky stars for a loving and supportive family (but dad, seriously, why couldn’t you have your own business so you could hire me???? ).
June 13, 2007...9:11 pm
The Occupational Hazards of Unemployment
Jump to Comments
