I should have left my snot driveling job when I had the chance. Now that the economy has outright turned to a pile of (insert noun here) I have no choice but to keep it, keep writing about local sports, the man selling pieces of the moon down by safeway, selling myself like a 2 bit whore on the corner for answers to the weekly “neighborly poll” (which by the way, unless the question is about stuffed animals or colors or mac DONALDS, no one has the brain power to answer).
No one in this god forsaken city knows a lick about what is happening around them. Not a bit about politics, history, shit even current events. WHY? Because they have their nose stuck in a local paper that tells them absolutely nothing. No wonder. It isn’t their fault. It’s ours.
On with the moaning.
So, now that I’ve had a job it’s been difficult to write about my deep, dark, hatred for the “hunt” and for those stupid ass recruiters, bimbo “office managerssss” who just got hired cause their boobs are too big for their oxfords (and they don’t know what an oxford is but BOO HOO TOO BAD)…. Like I was saying, it’s hard to complain. I’ve been keeping my disdain for my present form of employment in hiding. Maybe because I’m afraid that someone there might find this and read it and then i might get fired or laid off which would actually be a blessing in disguise because then i could file for unemployment and collect checks but still sleep in on mondays.
If you would like a running commentary of some of the funny, yet , “oh my god give me a grapefruit spoon so I can eat my own brain away,” conversations…read on.
Michael is the ad guy. Very sweet. Mormon. Has four kids and one on the way. Li-Anne is a customer who comes in to place ads, she runs a duty-free shop at the airport or something, I forget, doesn’t matter cause she’s having a “GIGANTIC SALE.”
Li-Anne: Gigantic SALE!!!
Michael: (instantly knows whats going on and goes into work mode) Oh, ok, yeah sure okay, super yea, uhuh okay. What about, instead of gigantic (puts hands up into the air as if to project something) “SU–PER”
Li-Anne: (who just may be three, or thirty-five sheets to the wind) Aw what the hell (she looks and talks just like the principal’s secretary from ferris bueler’s day off) Yeah lets do it, SUPER. YEah.
Michael: Yeah yeah you like that? YEah I think it kinda spruces it up, somethin new ya know? Cause look see, here, look. (pulls out adds from current week). All the ads got Gigantic but none of em got “SUPER.” Yeah that’ll stick out ya know? Ok great. I mean. SUPER! (ha ha)
Li-Anne: Yeah, ok bbyeee now ok bbyeeeeee.
Michael and Steven [steven is the office manager, nice enough guy, bit of a HUN if you get my drift...(atilla the HUN) younger than the rest of the staff, lives at a frat house since graduation last year].
Michael: Yeap uhuh whats up, yea sure ok, yeah uhuh, (saunters over on his toes, cotton candy hair flowing in the “wind” )
Steven: Now, Michael, what is this? (cocks head up to the side and points to a moldy sponge hanging from the ceiling out of a heater vent)
Michael: (Turning kinda blue…or maybe red, definitely feeling caught red-handed and embarassed)
Uh yeah I don’t knowwwww
Steven: (Looks at Michael condescendingly) Oh, really? Uh…..huh. ok so who put it there?
Michael: Yeah I don’t know Steve, eh ah, uh, yeah I think they put it up there, (picks food out of his tooth with his index finger and checks it out) yeah I dont know. I think they put it up there, yah know to like, stop it.
Steven: Wahhuh? WHOS THEY? They? Like.. a mouse just like put it up there? Or maybe a construction crew like came in and decided oh yeah lets put a moldy sponge above Steven’s head???
Michael: w w wwell uh
Steven: ITs OVER MY HEAD, AIR IS BLOWING TRHOUGH IT AND ITS LIKE JUST LIKE HANGING U KNOW… OVER MY HEAD!
And WHO IS THEY?
Michael: Uh, like Charlie and all them… you know (Charlie is the CEO, funny guy, Croatian.)
Steven: So what you’re saying is Charlie put a sponge in the ceiling vent. YA uhuh
Michael: yeah you know, like uh (spinning on his heels and fidgeting) You know how they come through here and uh mess with thangs ya know…they came in just the other day and were playing with all thah light bulbs and stuff.
Steven: Ya? WHY would they shove a sponge up there?
Michael: (who has been timidly answering this whole time, finally snaps) SO ITS LIKE A WEDGE TO HOLD THE VENT UP!
Steven: Its falling off, so…they thought oh the vent is falling out lets shove something up there so it keeps falling???
Michael: ITS A WEDGE. You put it up there so it keeps it from falling…its like…it catches onto the screws where its fallin out ya know, so it has somethin to hold on to, thats my thought….it can grip on to somethin’.
(goes into the kitchen and starts washing it ) …
Michael: (now seated at his desk). Ya know Steven..thats uh…ah ..a uh… very .. thats uh perfectly good sponge ya know….(clasping his hands together over hs desk) You could use it to was your cofffee cups in the morning.
Steven: (Looks back at Michael in disgust and then walks back through the office to his own desk
Michael: yeah well uh, merry christmas Steve-o!
Michael: Heya Lucy (me), did you uh put that up there? (whispering) Cause uh, I know if I did it I wouldn’t say nothin heh heh heeh
